You hear nothing but your raging heart beating out of your chest. Your hands move fast, you cannot think straight but somehow your body knows exactly what it needs to do. People are yelling orders but you don’t know what, you just hear that beating.
Damn that beating.
Adrenaline rushes through your veins like a hurricane, giving you the energy to do what you need to do to save this life. You don’t know them, but they are important. All your patients are important. Everyone is important.
You hear it. That dreadful sound. That sound that signals that you lost. That sound that tells everyone in the room that no matter how important this person was, they no longer exist. Now they are a memory. Now…..they are dead.
This is what I wanted. Well, not necessary the dying part, but the adrenaline. To be a part of saving someone. My whole life I have always wanted to be in the medical field. I cannot think of one solitary moment that I didn’t believe wholeheartedly that I was going to be a doctor or some sort of nurse. I even considered being a CRNA ( yes, 10 years of school did not stand it my way ) but for some reason, life has been taking me in a different direction. I think I’m having a midlife crisis at 26! Now you may laugh at this, after all, what do I know about midlife anything! This is true but I cannot help but feel like my whole life has just been thrown into a blender.
A couple of months ago my youngest ( out of 3) child became very sick. There was a lot of doctor’s visits. There was a lot of blood draws. There was a cancer scare, and there was a lot of crying. Seriously, a lot of crying. Enough crying to put any river or ocean to shame. Not surprisingly though is that NONE of that crying came from my daughter. Just me. All me. Mothers out there will understand where I am coming from. Every bad thing ran through my head. The hopelessness that I felt was never-ending. Then I talked to one of my very best friends about what was going on and she simply looked at me and said very quietly, ” Maybe this is a sign from God that you need to slow down. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy your husband. Enjoy life.” Enjoy life. It’s such an easy concept but really what does that even mean? I have been a worker bee all my life. I have always had two jobs and I am currently a full-time student with a full-time job who has 3 kids, a husband, and a mortgage payment. My enjoyment of life was going to come much later on when my children moved out and I went into retirement. My reply was simply a laugh. A sign, huh? Couldn’t I have gotten that sign in a much easier manner? At this point, if God had sent me a text message I would have taken that much better. But who am I to question something so divine. So I just put her words in the back of my mind and kept on my trail of unhappiness and despair. Two weeks ago I went into the emergency room. My heart rate reached 180 and I was admitted to the hospital. I had been having anxiety attacks and with sleeping only 3 hours a day, not eating and drinking as much caffeine as humanly possible, I think my body just had enough of my shenanigans and gave out. God’s message came in loud and clear this time.
Fast forward to yesterday. I picked up my kids from school and posed a question to them that had been in the back of my mind for a couple of days.I, just like many mothers out there, believe that my children are my best friends, my confidants to the very end and of course above all else, geniuses. The question was – what would they think if I decided not to be a nurse or a doctor or work in the medical field at all. Their replies were priceless. My daughter looked at me stunned, “What? Then what are you going to do? You have to make money.” Hmm. Very valid, yes I did need to make money but my heart was headed in a different route, “Well, I was thinking maybe writing. You know, like books or I could be a journalist.” At this point, my daughter was done with my foolery and went back to reading her book from school. Her only reply, “No mom, they don’t make enough money, you have to be a doctor.” Yes, That is coming from my dear 8-year-old. My sweet son, on the other hand, was done with my daughter’s input and with tears in his loving eyes just looked at me and said ” Mommy, don’t listen to her, money isn’t everything, in fact, it’s nothing. You need to follow your heart. You need to do what makes you happy.” And that ladies and gentlemen is my 7-year-old son. Don’t ask me how I raised these children with completely different views on life because I am just as clueless as you are at this point, but each one has shifted my way of thinking in one situation or another and each one’s opinion is scripted in stone for me. But I decided to go with my son this time. After all, what’s the point of working this hard if I’m dead at 30? But how do I know where to start? I have to switch my classes around, and what if I become a writer and decide this isn’t what I want and that I should have been a doctor/nurse after all? Beam in my logical daughter at this point, “Duh, mom. Just start a blog. If people like it and if you like it continue to write it while you’re still going to school, then there will be no time lost and you can see if it’s all that’s cracked up to be. People will be people. If they hate what you have to say, well then, there’s your answer.”
See. Pure geniuses.
So this is me. Starting over ( maybe ). This is the point of the blog. No, it’s not going to be about my life and what I am doing every day. It will be about life itself. Things that cross my mind. Poems I find interesting. You know, life. So forgive me for my grammatical errors ( I will be working on it ) and my clueless start to all this. My name is Sandra and this is my……..Sweet Random Thoughts.