Last Prayer

Heavy heart

No way in sight

Tears are flowing

No reason to fight

Head down

I have no pride

My legs are numb

My soul has died

He loves me

And I love him too

If this is what love is

Then I guess I’ll be the fool

He’s drunk again

Tongue casting hate

What have I ever done

To deserve this fate?

I’m his to own

No possession worthless

I have no willpower

I slip further in the abyss

Days are dark

The sun won’t appear

My life is done

My end is near

I’ll go without struggle

I’m no fighter at heart

Just wanted to love him

But his love has ripped me apart

So I say my goodbye

I welcome the death

A quiet prayer leaves my lips

” Please, Lord forgive me”

As I take my last breath

The Forgotten Child

This is an open letter to my father

Although, I know chances are you will never read this, in case you do and I am not longer here to tell you myself

I want to know

 

Dear Daddy,

I’m 26 years old now. I haven’t done too much with myself, but I have managed to stay out of jail and be a productive part of society. It took me a long time, but I’m in college and although I’m not sure what I want to major in, I’m pretty excited about where my life is going right now.

Mom says you look like me, sometimes when I can’t sleep I lay awake and think about you and I look in the mirror and try to pinpoint which features belong to you. I imagine you are this husky man with a slight beard and light brown hair and colored eyes like mine. In my mind, you have a gentle and quiet personality but when you are around close friends and family, you are outgoing and the life of the party. I imagine that where ever you live, you are respected, people can depend on you and that you are a good man.

When I was younger, mom told me about all these wonderful things about you and for a long time I kept a little pink backpack ready so when the chance hit, I would be ready to go look for you. I would find you and you would be so happy because all of these years you were looking for me too. We would be reunited and we would live happily ever after. I want you to know that I did make that trip to your country, just to find you. I saw my grandmother outside of a church that day and she cried and touched my face, and prayed for me. I told her I loved her and that I would come back for her…….she died 6 months later and I cried. I cried for the woman I never knew. I cried for the time we had wasted apart. I cried because you had taken her away from me.

Although you haven’t been here, I really think I would have been a daddy’s girl. I have always been a tomboy at heart and I can imagine me wanting to be with you everywhere you went because you were all mine and I didn’t have to share you with anyone else. It would just be me and you against the world. We would go hiking, camping, and fishing and you would teach me everything I would know. I can imagine you tucking me in at night. Telling me I was your sun, moon and the stars and that you loved me from here to heaven. If I had a bad dream, you would tell me just to get in the bed with you and you would whisper in my ear that everything was going to be okay and you wouldn’t let bad guys hurt me or some monstrous boogeymen drag me away in the middle of the night. You would protect me from anything and anyone.  But you didn’t, and at night I would imagine you telling another little girl instead. A little sister or brother that you also took away from me.

I married a really good man, dad. I think you would approve. He is perfect for me in so many ways and being with him feels right and it’s so easy.  He loves me so much. He loves me more than I love myself. I wish you could have met him, I feel like you and he would have a lot in common. I wish you were there dad, to walk me down the aisle that day. I wish you were there to give me away.  Would you have cried? Would you have told me during our dance together that no matter what happened I would always be your little girl?

I have three kids, daddy. They are so beautiful. Each day I’m surprised at how much they know and how much they teach me about life and love.  No one knows this, but when I had them – right after the delivery- I would cry. I would cry because you weren’t there to welcome your grandchildren. Because you had missed those moments. I wanted to share this life with you. Where were you? I look at my kids and I cannot fathom ever leaving them. Why did you?

I have time and time again wondered if you saw me how I truly am today if you would be proud of me. If you would understand the many struggles that I have been through and look at me with admiration or with contempt because I haven’t lived up to some preconceived perception of how you wanted me to be. Would you have loved me for who I am?

I have so many questions that I know I will never get the answer to…..

Why wasn’t I good enough to look for?

How come you didn’t want me?

Why wasn’t I ever given a chance?

I wish things were different, I wish you cared enough for me and I wish I didn’t care so much for you. You took YOU away from me. There is a void in my heart that I don’t think I will ever be able to fill. It’s so weird how I can care for someone that I don’t even know, but I care about you.

But don’t worry about me, daddy. I have taken care of myself thus far and mom did a good job at raising me. I forgive you for missing the most important aspects of my life. I forgive you for making me feel unwanted. I guess the only thing I can hold on to is this perfect image I have of you in my head; because in my mind you never did anything wrong ……………but forget about me.

I hope this letter reaches you in good health…..I hope you are happy.

Sincerely,

Your forgotten child

She Fights

lonely

She’s screaming out loud

No sound

No one can hear her

Her head bangs back and forth

Music flares into her consciousness, filling her

Everyone looks her way

No one can see her

She’s hurt beyond repair

Her heart has no more ways to break

No one is listening

People are all around but

No one is here

Her life has been full of sorrow

She’s been lost for so long

Pain

Real pain

Her body has shriveled and her soul has wept

What do you do when you have lost all faith?

Her nights are full of bursts of anger and regret

She doesn’t seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel

No future to hold dear

No fond memories to propel her forward

She draws. She writes

Putting down on paper what is hard for her to formulate into words outspoken

No family to speak of

No friends to speak to

She’s all alone

All alone

The familiar burn of liquor running down her throat

The familiar burn of cigarette scarring her lungs

She knows him, she’s been here before

Curled up beside her worst fear

Door slams

Cold outside

Raindrops hit the top of cars

“Tink Tink”

“Tink Tink”

She’s home again

Back to her own personal hell

Scolding water doesn’t drain the way she feels

She puts her head on the pillow

She knows

No matter how bad she has it

The one thing that will not waiver

Is her fight

She will fight

She won’t go so easily

 

Could Not Be Replaced

money

There’s glass everywhere. There’s a man on the ground screaming in agony. A woman is yelling and fighting with car seats that seem content to not budge. I hear kids screaming and crying for their “mommy and daddy”. There’s a pounding in my chest where my heart would have been had it not dropped to the bottom of my stomach. There’s a crowd forming. People are on cellphones running towards us. Metal has taken on a new shape that is unrecognizable, clashed together in a way that makes it hard to know what it originally looked like. I can taste the familiar metallic ooze of my blood filling up in my mouth. My head is pounding so violently that it makes it hard to form a sentence. My back and neck feel like I’ve been struck by a million daggers. I look around dazed, unable to comprehend how this happened, trying to soak in the view in front of me. Then it hits me, colliding with my consciousness like a bulldozer…..

I’ve just been in a car accident. My four-year-old was in the car and someone just hit me…..

And that someone is the man lying on the ground.

Money has always been an easy to understand concept. The more you get, the happier WE think we will be. I can attest to the many afternoons where I sat outside daydreaming of winning the lottery. The cars, the houses, and the many luxuries I could afford once I got the extra cash. Oh, the beautiful things that I could get were wondrous and plentiful. But, what about the things we cannot buy with money? What about the essential things that we don’t think about, the things we overlook and take for granted? Time, health, love- to name a few. Why do we as a society not fill our free time thinking about the abundance of those things?

My life has completely turned upside down this year and because of that, I have started to look at it a bit differently. I no longer crave money and the fancy cars. I want time. I want time with my children, time with my husband, and time with my family and those that are most important to me. My daughter and I are fine along with the family that was in the other car, although we did suffer injuries from the accident we were extremely lucky unlike most people around the world who have lost their lives to a tragedy like this. I will say though that I did squeeze her tighter that night along with all my children. I held and spoke to my husband with more depth than I have in a long time. Money was not important to me that day. As it should not have ever been. I didn’t sit around daydreaming about the amount of money I had in the bank.  I didn’t fantasize about the big home I could afford or the expensive jewelry. I cared about the things that matter to me most. The things and people that truly could not be replaced, won, earned or given back to me. I truly appreciated the life that I had at that very moment. My wish for you through this post is that you never take for granted those who love you and the so little time and health you have. I pray that you never have to go through a misfortune of losing someone so very close to you or that you realize that your time with what is of the utmost importance in your life was taken from you and that time was cut short.

So as you sat around the Thanksgiving table, I hope your mind was on the people that are most essential to you and not the best deal you were going to get for Black Friday. I hope you told your mother you loved her, you told your dad how much you appreciate him being the rock in your family and looked at your brothers and sisters with love and gratitude. I hope you held your children and told them how much they mean to you and listened to those stories your grandparents have told you a million times just because it makes them happy to remember their prime years. I hope you told your significant other what they truly mean to you and how much they have contributed to the person you are today and the person you will become. Because those people won’t be around forever, they will leave you one day and the memories you make with them will be the only thing that helps to heal the hole in your heart that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. I hope you remembered those people can be taken from you in any second and no matter how much money you have, that life can never be bought back.

Remember what is important in your life and don’t push them aside or neglect them for things that mean nothing in comparison and remember the things you can never get back if they were taken from you.

I just want to say Happy Holidays to all my friends and family and to anyone who read this blog. I appreciate your time here and I hope you find your happiness and I pray you never take it for granted.

Midlife Crisis at 26?

 

midlife

Silence.

You hear nothing but your raging heart beating out of your chest. Your hands move fast, you cannot think straight but somehow your body knows exactly what it needs to do. People are yelling orders but you don’t know what, you just hear that beating.

Damn that beating.

Adrenaline rushes through your veins like a hurricane, giving you the energy to do what you need to do to save this life. You don’t know them, but they are important. All your patients are important. Everyone is important.

“BEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!”

You hear it. That dreadful sound. That sound that signals that you lost. That sound that tells everyone in the room that no matter how important this person was, they no longer exist. Now they are a memory. Now…..they are dead.

This is what I wanted. Well, not necessary the dying part, but the adrenaline. To be a part of saving someone. My whole life I have always wanted to be in the medical field. I cannot think of one solitary moment that I didn’t believe wholeheartedly that I was going to be a doctor or some sort of nurse. I even considered being a CRNA ( yes, 10 years of school did not stand it my way ) but for some reason, life has been taking me in a different direction. I think I’m having a midlife crisis at 26! Now you may laugh at this, after all, what do I know about midlife anything! This is true but I cannot help but feel like my whole life has just been thrown into a blender.

A couple of months ago my youngest ( out of 3) child became very sick. There was a lot of doctor’s visits. There was a lot of blood draws. There was a cancer scare, and there was a lot of crying. Seriously, a lot of crying. Enough crying to put any river or ocean to shame. Not surprisingly though is that NONE of that crying came from my daughter. Just me. All me. Mothers out there will understand where I am coming from. Every bad thing ran through my head. The hopelessness that I felt was never-ending. Then I talked to one of my very best friends about what was going on and she simply looked at me and said very quietly, ” Maybe this is a sign from God that you need to slow down. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy your husband. Enjoy life.”  Enjoy life. It’s such an easy concept but really what does that even mean? I have been a worker bee all my life. I have always had two jobs and I am currently a full-time student with a full-time job who has 3 kids, a husband, and a mortgage payment. My enjoyment of life was going to come much later on when my children moved out and I went into retirement. My reply was simply a laugh. A sign, huh? Couldn’t I have gotten that sign in a much easier manner? At this point, if God had sent me a text message I would have taken that much better. But who am I to question something so divine. So I just put her words in the back of my mind and kept on my trail of unhappiness and despair. Two weeks ago I went into the emergency room. My heart rate reached 180 and I was admitted to the hospital. I had been having anxiety attacks and with sleeping only 3 hours a day, not eating and drinking as much caffeine as humanly possible, I think my body just had enough of my shenanigans and gave out. God’s message came in loud and clear this time.

Fast forward to yesterday. I picked up my kids from school and posed a question to them that had been in the back of my mind for a couple of days.I, just like many mothers out there, believe that my children are my best friends, my confidants to the very end and of course above all else, geniuses. The question was – what would they think if I decided not to be a nurse or a doctor or work in the medical field at all. Their replies were priceless. My daughter looked at me stunned, “What? Then what are you going to do? You have to make money.” Hmm. Very valid, yes I did need to make money but my heart was headed in a different route, “Well, I was thinking maybe writing. You know, like books or I could be a journalist.” At this point, my daughter was done with my foolery and went back to reading her book from school. Her only reply, “No mom, they don’t make enough money, you have to be a doctor.” Yes, That is coming from my dear 8-year-old. My sweet son, on the other hand, was done with my daughter’s input and with tears in his loving eyes just looked at me and said ” Mommy, don’t listen to her, money isn’t everything, in fact, it’s nothing. You need to follow your heart. You need to do what makes you happy.” And that ladies and gentlemen is my 7-year-old son. Don’t ask me how I raised these children with completely different views on life because I am just as clueless as you are at this point, but each one has shifted my way of thinking in one situation or another and each one’s opinion is scripted in stone for me. But I decided to go with my son this time. After all, what’s the point of working this hard if I’m dead at 30? But how do I know where to start? I have to switch my classes around, and what if I become a writer and decide this isn’t what I want and that I should have been a doctor/nurse after all? Beam in my logical daughter at this point, “Duh, mom. Just start a blog. If people like it and if you like it continue to write it while you’re still going to school, then there will be no time lost and you can see if it’s all that’s cracked up to be. People will be people. If they hate what you have to say, well then, there’s your answer.”

See. Pure geniuses.

So this is me. Starting over ( maybe ). This is the point of the blog. No, it’s not going to be about my life and what I am doing every day. It will be about life itself. Things that cross my mind. Poems I find interesting. You know, life. So forgive me for my grammatical errors ( I will be working on it ) and my clueless start to all this. My name is Sandra and this is my……..Sweet Random Thoughts.