Children

Living?

Posted on by sweetrios

This is a poem that I did for my creative writing class. It has to do with the chaos that surrounds us that we have become accustomed to. We as a society don’t even notice the bad anymore, it’s a part of us. It’s normal to see murders and violence on television every night. Of course, there are good things in this world. This poem focuses on the bad. For the people who will say ” Why focus just on the bad?” I just have to say ” Why focus just on the good?”   Hope you like it.

Sally Mann

 

Drugs, Alcohol, and Sex

Police brutality and living in the projects

Climate Change and War

Only 1 percent has all the money while the rest are poor

Violence and Greediness

You lock us up/ kill us but expect obedience?

Abuse and Murders

We want the truth and you try to quiet our reporters

Guns and Homicide

Who are we to trust when our politicians are run by bribes

Death and Cancer

We are yelling at the top of our lungs, but we receive no answer

Religion, Gangs, Pollution

Abortions, Rape, and Prostitution

Poverty, Racism, and Fornication

Pride, Lust, and Castration

Why do we fight for the world that isn’t ours?

Just to say we broke the law and be placed behind bars

Why do we think that there is good in those we surround?

When in the middle of injustice, they don’t make a peep not a sound

Why do we try?

When we are living just to die.

 

Uncertainty

Posted on by sweetrios

This is an unfinished story that I am working on for a creative writing class that I am taking over the summer. Any suggestions or plot twists would be greatly appreciated.

 

mother and daughter

Tick, Tick, Tick.

There’s a clock somewhere but is seems very distant

I open my eyes trying to adjust to the darkness but it’s pitch black here. Where am I?

My body is trembling, the bone-chilling wind I feel scrapes at my skin begging it to surrender to its whelms. There’s something gooey and warm beneath my toes, running rapidly, seemingly trying to escape from something. But from what?

I stand up and start to grasp at the air trying desperately to search for walls, tables, chairs, anything to indicate where I am but nothing is here. Quietly, my voice trembling, I murmur, “Hello?” … Nothing.

I stumble forward, “Hello? Is anyone here?” …

“MOMMY! MOMMY, PLEASE!!!!”

I turn around quickly, feeling my heart start to beat out of control, my palms start to sweat, and my mind starts to run at a million miles per minute. Frantic, I yell for her.

“BABY…BABY WHERE ARE YOU? IM HERE! WHERE ARE YOU?” My tears catch in my throat as sheer fear and desperation start to flow through my veins.

Silence answers back

“BABY, PLEASE ANSWER ME!! PLEASE, ARIA WHERE ARE YOU?” I begin to whimper, my throat squeezing shut.

I run forward, tripping over something, and fall face first into the warm gummy substance.

“ARIAAA!!!”

Then like a white-hot sun bursting into my view, all the lights turn on. Again, I am forced to adjust my eyes.

The first thing I notice is the blood. So much blood, flowing around me. It has covered me whole, wrapping me in its metallic smell, drenching me with its red sticky warmness.

I look forward at the object I tripped on, and there staring at me lifeless lies my four-year-old daughter…. I start to scream.

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” I yell. It takes me a couple of moments to realize that I’m in my bedroom. I sit up. Soaking in my sweat, trying to focus my thoughts. Another nightmare. I turn my head toward the clock. 3:56 a.m. Great. I might as well get up; I have been through this plenty of times before to know that no matter how much I try, I won’t be able to fall back asleep. I swing my legs to the side of the bed, stand, walk to the bathroom and start the shower.

As I let my body surrender to the hot water, my mind starts to wander, as it usually does after one of my nightmares. Most nights are like this, and you think after eight years I would be able to sleep better, but it has never gotten easier, and I know it never will. There is nothing that I can do, but my therapist says that I’m making progress and I guess that’s a good thing. Progress. Seems unreal to me that after such heart crushing time that anyone could make any progress, but as I look back I can see what she means. I was so depressed, wanting to end my life seemed like the only option back then, and sometimes it still crosses my mind – seeping into my consciousness wanting to be heard, stretching its big arms and showing me that no matter how strong I think I am, it is so much stronger. That is the past though, and with time I have learned to ignore its showiness and aggressive attitude. Time and a heavy dose of antidepressants, of course, have helped. The guilt will never subside though, my daughter, the one thing in this life I had to take care of and I let her slip through my fingers. I let her die, and no pill can ever make me forget about that. Sometimes I see her face. Perfect dark eyebrows, pale skin and a mess of curly hair at the top of her head. Her smile so bright, even with those two missing teeth at the bottom, could light up any room. Her laugh was contagious.  My beautiful baby girl. Now a corpse at the bottom of an ocean or the distant meal of a wolf or fox found in the middle of some nameless piece of land. I used to picture her skipping into the front door, her head swinging back and forth, repeating the lyrics of some lullaby she heard. But those thoughts are gone. I will never see her again, and I will never get to know what it feels like to hug her one more time.  Someone took my child. I don’t know where she is, I don’t know who she’s with or if she’s even alive. This is my curse and punishment until the day I die.

To Catch A Predator

Posted on by sweetrios

My blood IS BOILING. It’s cascading to the top and I am one more article away from yelling obscenities to anything in arm’s reach. I am outraged. I am saddened. I am upset with myself. I am upset at everything. I am upset at everyone. I am upset at the world as a whole. I have literally worked 26 hours in the past two days. I have not slept for more than 5 hours in the combined two days ( and to be honest, this is probably one of the reasons I cannot control my emotions, so bare with me as I vent) and I’ve had enough caffeine to kill a meth head.

What has sent me over the edge, you might ask? Yesterday afternoon, my children’s principal was arrested inside of a mall for online solicitation of a minor. My children who are in elementary school. MY children. MY CHILDREN”S ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PRINCIPAL!!! This person has spoken to them. This person has held their hands while I pull up to the curb. I trusted him with their safety. I trusted him to take care of my precious children. I shook his hand. I had pleasant conversations with him. This principal. This CHILD PREDATOR. I let a child predator right under my nose. I let him guide me with his smiles and nice gestures. I let him be in my children’s lives and told them they could trust in him ! I feel as I have failed them.

You know you always imagine that as a parent you would be able to sense that ” bad ” vibe from a child predator. That across a park and pass a barn yard under the piles and piles of manure, you are the parent that could smell a predator even before they had set one deceitful disgusting eye on your creations. You fantasize over being the hero and saving the world from all pedophiles.  But such dreams are not reality. The reality is that he seemed nice enough and the reality is that sometimes we cannot fully protect what we brought into this world. I think that is what really has upset me. That I cannot protect them forever or even all the time. I cannot shield them from the evils that have manifested here, even if I try to will it to be that way.  I am angry that there even needs to be a reason for me to feel as though I have to watch them 24 hours a day. I am angry that these people even exist.

I. AM. ANGRY.

Destiny? God’s Will? Or Changes That Pushed Us Here ?

Posted on by sweetrios

As I sit here at the dining room table, sipping on my coffee, trying desperately to wake up (late nights equating into late lazy mornings or afternoons in this case). I look around and wonder how I came to this place. In less than 6 months my challenging life has pushed me into a completely different route that has forced me into wanting to change my career choice, begin this blog and surprisingly start on a manuscript ( with a good start I might add and a couple of chapters already in ). As I look back from the beginning I wonder why I ever wanted to be in the medical field in the first place. Not that I don’t love my job or the people I work with, but why did I, at such a young age conform myself to such a narrow pathway. When I was younger there were no dreams of becoming an astronaut, traveling to different countries, becoming a celebrity or even having a family. The only thing I have ever wanted was to become a nurse and work (surprisingly) in the same hospital I am currently employed at. Where did this dream come from? Was I looking at a TV show and see a nurse walk in and demand that I have her life and that I was going to work from that day forward into making that come true? Was the need placed in front of me by a guardian or someone I looked up to? For 20+ years I have put all my energy into becoming a nurse and each strategic step I made in my life, through my hardships, have continuously pushed me into that role. Just so now, in less than 6 months, for those same hardships to throw me in a domino effect into something so different. But there’s a fire here. A fire I never expected and one that I can’t seem to shake off. Through the criticizing eyes of those around me, I look straight ahead and know that in my heart I have found my place. For the first time in my life, I don’t know where I’m going and why I even started looking, but I am here. There are many times that have stayed up at night while my mind wonders and think to myself what events have encouraged me to stray so far from my path. Is this God’s will? Have I always wanted to write and I denied it because I was so focused on the goal of that little girl or is it that these events have pushed me here? Maybe all three. I don’t know where I’m going and as much as that’s scary I have to enjoy this detour. I have never been placed into such a topsy-turvy road and there is beauty in the unknown. It often seems we are all willing to fast forward to the end of the movie or turn to the last chapter of the book but why I ask when the real excitement is the middle. The events and moments that have made that last final breath just as sweet. I don’t know where this fire came from and I don’t know why it started but I am here. It might be short lived or I might end up staying but why fret about it? Life truly happens when we have left the windows open during a storm. It happens when we least expect it and it happens when we don’t need it to. I hope that your dreams and goals have lit up a place in you. My hope for you is that you, even if it’s only fleeting, feel what I feel at this very moment. This need that resides in me now is one that will leave its marks on my soul for the rest of my life. It’s difficult and it’s scarring but in itself is as unique and mysterious as it is beautiful. And something so life changing cannot possibly be all negative. It will change you into something that was not expected and either you can love that change or hate it, but trust me when I say, that life……is in these moments.

Wait…..Don’t I Get A Handbook ?!

Posted on by sweetrios

Motherhood was always taught to me as something that every woman comes to know naturally. You might not have been good at anything prior, but at the time of your baby’s first breath, your instincts would kick in and you would just know. Hmm…. I guess I’m still waiting, then? I stare up into the sky and have come to the conclusion that maybe, JUST maybe, that little light switch was never turned on or it was broken upon arrival with a big ” no refunds ” sticker stamped on it.
I have three children and I still don’t know what I’m doing. I literally have to ask every single mother I know, everything they know. The questions are endless and vary in degree from how to fix their hair, to what age do you have the terrible and terrifying ( to me, anyway) talk about sex ?! I always envisioned myself being this super cool mom- “OH, you want to have a little party? Of course! Bring em’ all here and I’ll call the pizza delivery man!” Then when their friends would come over, they would love to see me because after all- I was just soo cool. Yeah well, I’m starting to think maybe those daydreams were simply a delusion from the many pain medications I received during labor. Every day is a struggle of what I think I should be doing versus what my inner cool mom thinks I should be doing and what society has deemed acceptable. Now don’t get me wrong, I definitely am not going to be one of those mothers that drink with their children and does drugs with them for the sake of saying ” Hey, they are going to do it anyway! Why not do it where I can watch them? ” No. I just wanted to be counted as a friend and mother at the same time, not some Nazi world leader that was just out to ruin their lives and force them to clean up the house at the most inconvenient of times.
I think my biggest fear to be completely honest, is that I’ll essentially break them. Yes, break my children. That from some random act on my part, that my children will be so damaged that they will be broken inside. That they will grow up to resent me and point out in fury, ” Well, of course, I’m doing this, because that one time when I wanted to sign up for swimming, you made me sign up for soccer and I have never been able to do what I wanted in life “. Okay, so maybe not that dramatic but you get the point. Every decision we make as parents are of the utmost importance and just like us mothers grew our children in the womb, we must also mold their future selves outside of it. No problem, right? Wrong. Being a parent is like being inducted into a secret society in which the only way to survive is for them to blindfold you, make you swim up the river and when you are ready to give up, inform you that you must now take a math test and PASS! ( or whatever subject you are most scared of ) Seems like a daunting task and a marathon uphill to say the least. So where is our handbook? Or is there some goddess of a mother or king of a father that have all the answers, because please send me the information on their exact location so that in my joyous delirium I’ll head straight into their all knowing arms!
No. There are no answers is there. No right way or wrong. Although, I do seem to want to bask in the glory of the PTA moms who remember every single event, remember every doctor’s check up and always have time to help with homework. They sing sweet lullabies and put their children to sleep after an hour of storytelling every single night. No, I have to come to the realization that we are all drowning in this aspect one way or another. Barely able to stay afloat in this twisted role of parenting. That the only thing I can do, is what I think is right and the best I can do depending on the situation at hand at any given moment. It would be glorious to have a handbook, but every child is different and there is more than one way to raise them. I have to understand and HOPE that my best is realized in their eyes and that they understand where my heart is. Yeah………a handbook would be nice. But my best can be nice too.

The Forgotten Child

Posted on by sweetrios

This is an open letter to my father

Although, I know chances are you will never read this, in case you do and I am not longer here to tell you myself

I want to know

 

Dear Daddy,

I’m 26 years old now. I haven’t done too much with myself, but I have managed to stay out of jail and be a productive part of society. It took me a long time, but I’m in college and although I’m not sure what I want to major in, I’m pretty excited about where my life is going right now.

Mom says you look like me, sometimes when I can’t sleep I lay awake and think about you and I look in the mirror and try to pinpoint which features belong to you. I imagine you are this husky man with a slight beard and light brown hair and colored eyes like mine. In my mind, you have a gentle and quiet personality but when you are around close friends and family, you are outgoing and the life of the party. I imagine that where ever you live, you are respected, people can depend on you and that you are a good man.

When I was younger, mom told me about all these wonderful things about you and for a long time I kept a little pink backpack ready so when the chance hit, I would be ready to go look for you. I would find you and you would be so happy because all of these years you were looking for me too. We would be reunited and we would live happily ever after. I want you to know that I did make that trip to your country, just to find you. I saw my grandmother outside of a church that day and she cried and touched my face, and prayed for me. I told her I loved her and that I would come back for her…….she died 6 months later and I cried. I cried for the woman I never knew. I cried for the time we had wasted apart. I cried because you had taken her away from me.

Although you haven’t been here, I really think I would have been a daddy’s girl. I have always been a tomboy at heart and I can imagine me wanting to be with you everywhere you went because you were all mine and I didn’t have to share you with anyone else. It would just be me and you against the world. We would go hiking, camping, and fishing and you would teach me everything I would know. I can imagine you tucking me in at night. Telling me I was your sun, moon and the stars and that you loved me from here to heaven. If I had a bad dream, you would tell me just to get in the bed with you and you would whisper in my ear that everything was going to be okay and you wouldn’t let bad guys hurt me or some monstrous boogeymen drag me away in the middle of the night. You would protect me from anything and anyone.  But you didn’t, and at night I would imagine you telling another little girl instead. A little sister or brother that you also took away from me.

I married a really good man, dad. I think you would approve. He is perfect for me in so many ways and being with him feels right and it’s so easy.  He loves me so much. He loves me more than I love myself. I wish you could have met him, I feel like you and he would have a lot in common. I wish you were there dad, to walk me down the aisle that day. I wish you were there to give me away.  Would you have cried? Would you have told me during our dance together that no matter what happened I would always be your little girl?

I have three kids, daddy. They are so beautiful. Each day I’m surprised at how much they know and how much they teach me about life and love.  No one knows this, but when I had them – right after the delivery- I would cry. I would cry because you weren’t there to welcome your grandchildren. Because you had missed those moments. I wanted to share this life with you. Where were you? I look at my kids and I cannot fathom ever leaving them. Why did you?

I have time and time again wondered if you saw me how I truly am today if you would be proud of me. If you would understand the many struggles that I have been through and look at me with admiration or with contempt because I haven’t lived up to some preconceived perception of how you wanted me to be. Would you have loved me for who I am?

I have so many questions that I know I will never get the answer to…..

Why wasn’t I good enough to look for?

How come you didn’t want me?

Why wasn’t I ever given a chance?

I wish things were different, I wish you cared enough for me and I wish I didn’t care so much for you. You took YOU away from me. There is a void in my heart that I don’t think I will ever be able to fill. It’s so weird how I can care for someone that I don’t even know, but I care about you.

But don’t worry about me, daddy. I have taken care of myself thus far and mom did a good job at raising me. I forgive you for missing the most important aspects of my life. I forgive you for making me feel unwanted. I guess the only thing I can hold on to is this perfect image I have of you in my head; because in my mind you never did anything wrong ……………but forget about me.

I hope this letter reaches you in good health…..I hope you are happy.

Sincerely,

Your forgotten child

Could Not Be Replaced

Posted on by sweetrios

money

There’s glass everywhere. There’s a man on the ground screaming in agony. A woman is yelling and fighting with car seats that seem content to not budge. I hear kids screaming and crying for their “mommy and daddy”. There’s a pounding in my chest where my heart would have been had it not dropped to the bottom of my stomach. There’s a crowd forming. People are on cellphones running towards us. Metal has taken on a new shape that is unrecognizable, clashed together in a way that makes it hard to know what it originally looked like. I can taste the familiar metallic ooze of my blood filling up in my mouth. My head is pounding so violently that it makes it hard to form a sentence. My back and neck feel like I’ve been struck by a million daggers. I look around dazed, unable to comprehend how this happened, trying to soak in the view in front of me. Then it hits me, colliding with my consciousness like a bulldozer…..

I’ve just been in a car accident. My four-year-old was in the car and someone just hit me…..

And that someone is the man lying on the ground.

Money has always been an easy to understand concept. The more you get, the happier WE think we will be. I can attest to the many afternoons where I sat outside daydreaming of winning the lottery. The cars, the houses, and the many luxuries I could afford once I got the extra cash. Oh, the beautiful things that I could get were wondrous and plentiful. But, what about the things we cannot buy with money? What about the essential things that we don’t think about, the things we overlook and take for granted? Time, health, love- to name a few. Why do we as a society not fill our free time thinking about the abundance of those things?

My life has completely turned upside down this year and because of that, I have started to look at it a bit differently. I no longer crave money and the fancy cars. I want time. I want time with my children, time with my husband, and time with my family and those that are most important to me. My daughter and I are fine along with the family that was in the other car, although we did suffer injuries from the accident we were extremely lucky unlike most people around the world who have lost their lives to a tragedy like this. I will say though that I did squeeze her tighter that night along with all my children. I held and spoke to my husband with more depth than I have in a long time. Money was not important to me that day. As it should not have ever been. I didn’t sit around daydreaming about the amount of money I had in the bank.  I didn’t fantasize about the big home I could afford or the expensive jewelry. I cared about the things that matter to me most. The things and people that truly could not be replaced, won, earned or given back to me. I truly appreciated the life that I had at that very moment. My wish for you through this post is that you never take for granted those who love you and the so little time and health you have. I pray that you never have to go through a misfortune of losing someone so very close to you or that you realize that your time with what is of the utmost importance in your life was taken from you and that time was cut short.

So as you sat around the Thanksgiving table, I hope your mind was on the people that are most essential to you and not the best deal you were going to get for Black Friday. I hope you told your mother you loved her, you told your dad how much you appreciate him being the rock in your family and looked at your brothers and sisters with love and gratitude. I hope you held your children and told them how much they mean to you and listened to those stories your grandparents have told you a million times just because it makes them happy to remember their prime years. I hope you told your significant other what they truly mean to you and how much they have contributed to the person you are today and the person you will become. Because those people won’t be around forever, they will leave you one day and the memories you make with them will be the only thing that helps to heal the hole in your heart that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. I hope you remembered those people can be taken from you in any second and no matter how much money you have, that life can never be bought back.

Remember what is important in your life and don’t push them aside or neglect them for things that mean nothing in comparison and remember the things you can never get back if they were taken from you.

I just want to say Happy Holidays to all my friends and family and to anyone who read this blog. I appreciate your time here and I hope you find your happiness and I pray you never take it for granted.

Midlife Crisis at 26?

Posted on by sweetrios

 

midlife

Silence.

You hear nothing but your raging heart beating out of your chest. Your hands move fast, you cannot think straight but somehow your body knows exactly what it needs to do. People are yelling orders but you don’t know what, you just hear that beating.

Damn that beating.

Adrenaline rushes through your veins like a hurricane, giving you the energy to do what you need to do to save this life. You don’t know them, but they are important. All your patients are important. Everyone is important.

“BEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!”

You hear it. That dreadful sound. That sound that signals that you lost. That sound that tells everyone in the room that no matter how important this person was, they no longer exist. Now they are a memory. Now…..they are dead.

This is what I wanted. Well, not necessary the dying part, but the adrenaline. To be a part of saving someone. My whole life I have always wanted to be in the medical field. I cannot think of one solitary moment that I didn’t believe wholeheartedly that I was going to be a doctor or some sort of nurse. I even considered being a CRNA ( yes, 10 years of school did not stand it my way ) but for some reason, life has been taking me in a different direction. I think I’m having a midlife crisis at 26! Now you may laugh at this, after all, what do I know about midlife anything! This is true but I cannot help but feel like my whole life has just been thrown into a blender.

A couple of months ago my youngest ( out of 3) child became very sick. There was a lot of doctor’s visits. There was a lot of blood draws. There was a cancer scare, and there was a lot of crying. Seriously, a lot of crying. Enough crying to put any river or ocean to shame. Not surprisingly though is that NONE of that crying came from my daughter. Just me. All me. Mothers out there will understand where I am coming from. Every bad thing ran through my head. The hopelessness that I felt was never-ending. Then I talked to one of my very best friends about what was going on and she simply looked at me and said very quietly, ” Maybe this is a sign from God that you need to slow down. Enjoy your kids. Enjoy your husband. Enjoy life.”  Enjoy life. It’s such an easy concept but really what does that even mean? I have been a worker bee all my life. I have always had two jobs and I am currently a full-time student with a full-time job who has 3 kids, a husband, and a mortgage payment. My enjoyment of life was going to come much later on when my children moved out and I went into retirement. My reply was simply a laugh. A sign, huh? Couldn’t I have gotten that sign in a much easier manner? At this point, if God had sent me a text message I would have taken that much better. But who am I to question something so divine. So I just put her words in the back of my mind and kept on my trail of unhappiness and despair. Two weeks ago I went into the emergency room. My heart rate reached 180 and I was admitted to the hospital. I had been having anxiety attacks and with sleeping only 3 hours a day, not eating and drinking as much caffeine as humanly possible, I think my body just had enough of my shenanigans and gave out. God’s message came in loud and clear this time.

Fast forward to yesterday. I picked up my kids from school and posed a question to them that had been in the back of my mind for a couple of days.I, just like many mothers out there, believe that my children are my best friends, my confidants to the very end and of course above all else, geniuses. The question was – what would they think if I decided not to be a nurse or a doctor or work in the medical field at all. Their replies were priceless. My daughter looked at me stunned, “What? Then what are you going to do? You have to make money.” Hmm. Very valid, yes I did need to make money but my heart was headed in a different route, “Well, I was thinking maybe writing. You know, like books or I could be a journalist.” At this point, my daughter was done with my foolery and went back to reading her book from school. Her only reply, “No mom, they don’t make enough money, you have to be a doctor.” Yes, That is coming from my dear 8-year-old. My sweet son, on the other hand, was done with my daughter’s input and with tears in his loving eyes just looked at me and said ” Mommy, don’t listen to her, money isn’t everything, in fact, it’s nothing. You need to follow your heart. You need to do what makes you happy.” And that ladies and gentlemen is my 7-year-old son. Don’t ask me how I raised these children with completely different views on life because I am just as clueless as you are at this point, but each one has shifted my way of thinking in one situation or another and each one’s opinion is scripted in stone for me. But I decided to go with my son this time. After all, what’s the point of working this hard if I’m dead at 30? But how do I know where to start? I have to switch my classes around, and what if I become a writer and decide this isn’t what I want and that I should have been a doctor/nurse after all? Beam in my logical daughter at this point, “Duh, mom. Just start a blog. If people like it and if you like it continue to write it while you’re still going to school, then there will be no time lost and you can see if it’s all that’s cracked up to be. People will be people. If they hate what you have to say, well then, there’s your answer.”

See. Pure geniuses.

So this is me. Starting over ( maybe ). This is the point of the blog. No, it’s not going to be about my life and what I am doing every day. It will be about life itself. Things that cross my mind. Poems I find interesting. You know, life. So forgive me for my grammatical errors ( I will be working on it ) and my clueless start to all this. My name is Sandra and this is my……..Sweet Random Thoughts.